Hiding Behind The Mask

So here I sit, once again; Pondering about life and what it means. I do not know why I was put here on this earth. I think I want to help people, but in reality, I am a horrible person. I am selfish and a hypocrite and all around bad. I steal. I cheat. I lie. But the worst part is, people think I am good. Going into nonprofit work or even taking the rabbinical field is supposed to make me a good person, someone holy and righteous. I am not even close to being there. I honestly do no think I will get into Hebrew Union College for graduate school. I do not know what I want to do after college. No grad school is going to want me at 21 and a fresh undergrad graduate.

I am really scared. I do not talk about it a lot, but I am deathly afraid. What happens if I do not find a job? Where will I live? What will I do? I might have to move back to the Antelope Valley. I hate it there. There are no Jews. I want to marry a Jew and start a family. I want a Jewish life. I currently am madly in like with MBG but he only sees me as a friend. We have talked about it and he says I might push him away if I continue to keep pushing it. I am so confused because when I just try to be friends with him, he will buy me lunch and flirt and tell me secrets and want to spend time with me.

I have to hide behind the mask of pretending to care, but not in the way I really do. He can never know how much I care because not only will it push him away, but it will make me more vulnerable than I already am. I am so vulnerable. I have sexual relations with many people hoping that I will find that attention and need I need from someone, but I can never find it. I am just confused about what I am doing. Am I doing it for the pleasure? If so, I am failing because I am not getting ANYTHING out of it. If I am doing it for a relationship, I am crazy because all of the ones I mess around with want nothing more than sex.

I give up on relationships. I am just going to make the wall bigger. I am going to add more bricks to the wall that holds me away from my true feelings. I can never show anyone how I really feel. If they truly knew, I would be alone. I am worthless. I know it, but I hope they can't see it. Or do they? End.