Water Running Down My Face

I am miserable. I do not know what I am doing anymore. I am lying to myself that I am happy because I am too afraid to be alone. I am too afraid to admit that no one will ever love me. I am to afraid to admit I am sick, that I have a disease that will eventually kill me. I am too afraid to admit that i have manic depression. I am afraid to admit that I am fat. No matter how real the problem is, I joke about it like it means nothing. Truth is, it does. Fuck! I hate crying about everything. I hate crying about just being a sex object. I hate that I am not good enough for anyone. They tell you to love yourself so others will... Well no one cares unless I am bleeding on the wrists. I give up on caring. I just want to love and be loved in return. That will never happen. My boyfriend is a joke. The two men I would be happiest with either see me as a sex object or a tool to get someone other than me. I never could truly be with the women I like either. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate this. I say I just want to make a difference but it would mean nothing to me without someone to share it with. I will never be happy. I am going to die alone. I need attention yet it is the thing that I dispise the most because it is never sincere. I wish someone would be sincere. I wish I could be happy. I wish I could be beautiful. I wish I could love my self....