How I feel... about you.

So this is going to be a somewhat organized ramble, and I know you'll never see it... so here comes the truth. I am not sure what love is. I'm not sure if I love you. I don't even know if I am supposed to or even allowed to love you.

If love is getting butterflies in my stomach every time I receive a cute text from you... then I guess I love you. If love is having my heart beat faster when you like my status that has something to do with my feelings... then I guess I love you. If love is crying myself to sleep because I feel like I will never be good enough for your parents, ultimately never being good enough for you because I am Jewish... then I guess I love you. If love is wanting you to be happy no matter what... then I guess I love you. If love is buying you an iPod because I know how much music means to you, even though it probably was too much money and my close friends advised me against it... then I suppose I love you.

I'm not sure what love is, but I know that it feels right when you hold me in your arms. It feels right thinking about you in the morning and when I go to sleep. It feels right listening to love songs and only imagining being with you. It STILL feels right listening to Christmas music, even though I'm Jewish, and imagining what Christmas would be like with you. It feels right missing you every second, every minute, every hour, every day. It feels right with you, just you.

So the other night, you said you loved me. You were drunk. I knew you wouldn't remember it, but I said it back anyways. It flew off my tongue like a dove. They were words I had wanted to say for a while. I know I am not in love with you. I know I have doubts about spending the rest of my life with you... Still though, I want you here with me, and I want to be with you now. I want my entire life to revolve around you. I want to have my Facebook covered in statuses and pictures and notes... all about you. I want all my friends and family to know how utterly in like I am with you. I want to scream it from the top of the hills and the bottom of the valleys. I LOVE SPENDING ALL MY TIME WITH DAVID BRUCE CARLEY!

I know I am just rambling, but all of these feelings needed to be said to someone. I am really afraid of falling for you and you leaving me. In the past, my only other semi-serious relationship was just a physical relationship. We never had vaginal intercourse, but it was all he ever wanted from me. Because it was something I was not willing to give to him, he gave up on me. Maybe that was the reason we got physically intimate so quickly. I suppose I feel like it is the only way to keep someone interested. My mind is all sorts of screwed up.

Sometimes, in the beginning of our relationship, I feel that our relationship was just about sex. We would send sexual texts and have sexual intercourse when we visited, but we had only gone on one real date. We were boyfriend and girlfriend, but we never left the house. We still do not go out, but I don't feel like it is about sex anymore. My birthday weekend, I was menstruating and I told you not to get your hopes up. You were fine with just cuddling all night. You made me dinner and cupcakes, and other than getting completely wasted, it was one of the most romantic nights of my life.

I really hope you get me a necklace for Christmas/Chanukah. It does not even have to be like super expensive. It can be a 15 dollar Walmart brand. I just want it to be the size of the necklace you wear around your neck, and have like a heart or something. I just want to be able to feel close to you, and have something you gave to me with me at all times. I want to be that girl who twiddles with her necklace throughout class because she misses her man. I want to be able to get a compliment on it and say, "Oh, thanks! My boyfriend gave it to me for the holidays" with a grin on my face stretched from ear to ear. I guess I just want something to feel validation in our relationship. My friends and family know about you, but only a few of your friends know about me.

Yesterday, you told me about why your parents don't know about me yet, and I instantly started crying. We were not fighting. You were not upset with me. I could just feel the hurt in your voice when you said your parents would not approve. They are your world. They mean the world to you. You love them. Why would you ever choose me over them? Why would I even try and make you? I would surely lose. So I am letting the parents issue go for now. Although it kills me that the people closest to you do not know about our relationship, I would rather have you in my life than have everyone know.

I know it has not been a long time, but in about a month, I will be your second longest relationship. You already are my number one. I know it has not been that long, but we have already gone through so much. I mean I thought I was actually pregnant with your child. We had to go through the ideas of abortion and adoption together. That brought us so much closer I believe. I was so afraid that you were going to leave me because of the situation. I was so scared and hopeless. I did not know what to do. I know that you are adopted and all, and I know your religion is highly against abortion, but I am just not ready for a child... And I would never be able to give my child away. I know it would be best for the child, but I wouldn't want that. I was honestly thinking about abortion. It seemed like the best option. As much as you said you would be there for me, part of me doubted you. It was such a big deal, and you had already gone through a miscarriage once, I didn't know if I could have done that to you. I still don't.

Here I sit, at around 5:00AM on an idle Tuesday morning pathetically crying my eyes out as I try to express all of my feelings towards you in this single excerpt. Maybe if I set them free then they will not haunt me anymore. The feelings of falling for you and being abandoned, the feelings of it just being about sex, the feelings of rejection from your parents, and every other thing that girls ponder about. Overall, I feel a little better, but I do think I love you. The sad part is, that I am afraid to tell you. I am going to wait until you officially say it first, because I do not want to be the only one. I do not want to put you in the position to say it without meaning it. I do not want to be put into the position to have to question your intentions. I guess we'll just have to wait to discover how you feel... about me.