Perfection does not have to be lonesome

Today I tried to disappear
tried to sink into the covers and not exist
The sounds of rain crashing against the concrete
and my head sunk into the pillow
The blinds open, and the light shining through
I breathe in, and the air fills my chest
I stop. I hold that breath until it begins to hurt
Then I release slowly and repeat.
I try to focus on my breathing and the sounds around me
Meditate.
Breathe.
Be calm.
I am almost in that moment
Where everything is perfect
Eyes closed, body limp
Perfection
*Footsteps*
"OUCHHH"
I open my eyes to my sister on top of me
Laughing
She smiles
I smile
This... is perfect. <3

In love with being in love

So love is a very complicated issue. I am one of those people that fall in and out of love daily. I mean, it's not that I mean to, it is just that it is so easy for me to find the good in people. My current love interest is a boy we will call FB, originally for Fraternity Boy, but more meanings have come to it since it started. So this boy helped me get over another boy from last year. He did not even know that he was doing it, but things just happened. And that boy, lets call him Israel, helped me get over a boy before him named First Love. Overall, every boy I like or love or date or anything is just to get over another boy. I move from boy to boy. My best friend does this too. I originally told her it was a bad idea, but now I realize what it feels like. I can't be alone. I refuse to. Even if I am giving all of my attention to a boy who will never love me back, I just cannot help it. I know I will not marry the boy I am pursuing now. He is an athiest. A hardcore athiest. He does not believe in religion at all, and I am okay that it is what he believes, but it scares me. You see, I am trying to be a Rabbi or something in the field of Judaism. My major is Judaic Studies and here is this boy, an athiest.. who every day, I am falling more and more in like with. Soon, it might be love. what will happen then? The poor, hispanic, athiest boy and the wealthy, white, jewish girl. This is a conflict. I know opposites attract and all, but I am scared. What if I fall too hard for him? What will happen? I am scared. I like him so much already. I was day dreaming today of us cuddling up near a fire and listening to the rain. It is bad. I dream about him and I am thinking of him almost everty secnd of every day... I wish I knew what to do. He hurt me once, and I don't think he'll do it again, but I am always wrong when it comes to my love life. Anyone elses wouldn't be that hard, but this is my life we're talking about.. Ughhhh help me? Well guess who just texted? Him... so ill post later <3

Cop Madness

So tonight I went to the movies with my sister
and we wanted to see the ugly truth
before i go into details on the movie,
lets discuss how it all got started
SCENE: Girl is sitting in bed talking to good friend
Sister: Let's go to the movies and get icecream
Girl: Sure!!!
Sounds innocent enough, right?
WRONG
Well, the movie was rated R
so my 13 year old sister could not get a ticket
cleverly, i bought a ticket for my movie,
and she bought one for Harry Potter,
which of course started at the same time
but no...
the movie ticket sellers decided that because she was soooo young
and they thought she was going to try to sneak into a rated R movie
they would escort her to her movie and leave a guard with her the whole time
wow, really?
and then, there were a few more in the hallway just in case
5 different attendants for one girl
what the hell?
did they have nothing better to do?
hahaha
anyways, after the movie, we are driving home
and a cop pulls into out neighborhood before us
and stops in the middle of the road
so i cant pass him
and they shine their lights on these guys trying to jack cars
and make them put there hands on the hood and everything
then decides to move so i can get through

oh man.
moral of the story,
cops suck.

Suicidal Dreams

Note: another from the diary of a young girl

crashing waves
flying birds
buzing bees
a silent street
the night is young
one girl alone
no one knows
the secret she keeps
her mind tosses
her mind turns
she cannot take it anymore
for death she yearns
the knife in hand
thrusts through her heart
as she awakes
in bed at home
pale face in sweat
she lies down again
and falls back asleep

Broken Wishes

note: this was written years ago; i found an old diary

the tears fall down
her light skinned face
her hands hold up her head
the thoughts of him
run through her mind
she wishes she were dead
the lights are dimmed
the night so young
and she is home alone
she sits and cries
the truths and lies
his heart was made of stone
she wants him now
she needs him more
her awful addiction
which makes her sore
no tears run down
her bloody face
her hands lay on the floor
no thoughts of him
run through her head
her wishes last no more

Sunflower in My Mind

So today I went for a drive
I drove up the hill and over the mountain
and I drove
and I drove
I drove right up to the lake
the lake where my brother's friend was killed
many years ago
you see,
he was supposed to be there
my brother that is...
to go camping with his friends
but my mother said no
he was angry,
but most children overreact sometimes
so there i was
at the lake
and it was peaceful
moss covering sections of the water
and big branches of trees inviting me to climb
so i did
i pulled myself on to that tree and sat
just for a minute
and i thought
how could a place so beautiful
so calm and peaceful
be a place of death
and then i thought of israel
israel is an amazing place
the most amazing place i have ever been
i cannot wait to go back
but i love it so
so dearly in fact
so there i was thinking
about israel indeed
and death and happiness
how could something so beautfiful
carry so much hatred and dispair
it is perplexing...
i jumped down off the tree
and i walked to my car
as i was driving back to the place i reside
i pulled over
and i grabbed my camera
i love taking pictures
i do so much
so i snapped a photo
of a sunflower
so beautiful and delicate
so wonderful and innocent
the only thing in this world
that couldn't possibly contain evil
a flower.

My Goal

to live, to inspire, to love, to care, to try, to see, to sing, to cry, to run, to run fast, to run very fast, to lose weight, to hug, to kiss, to spoon, to LOVE, to jump, to dance, to write, to watch, to push, to shove, to know, to like, to love, to live, to die, to swim, to play, to swing, to call, to text, to pray, to lie, to sit, to sleep, to study, to graduate, to have children, to get married, to love someone else more than i love myself, to be loved the way i love someone else, to be cared for, to go to the beach, to fly, to ride, to drive, to see all of the world, to live the life i want to live, to do.