My Goal

to live, to inspire, to love, to care, to try, to see, to sing, to cry, to run, to run fast, to run very fast, to lose weight, to hug, to kiss, to spoon, to LOVE, to jump, to dance, to write, to watch, to push, to shove, to know, to like, to love, to live, to die, to swim, to play, to swing, to call, to text, to pray, to lie, to sit, to sleep, to study, to graduate, to have children, to get married, to love someone else more than i love myself, to be loved the way i love someone else, to be cared for, to go to the beach, to fly, to ride, to drive, to see all of the world, to live the life i want to live, to do.

The Truth Will Set You Free

you never loved me for my mind
you never let me venture out into a world bigger than your own
you held me so tight, you never gave me a chance to breathe
made my life a bubble; and made it were you were the only one allowed in.
you hindered my thinking, my feelings, my actions, my LIFE.
you never realized you were the one that made this fall apart.
you saw me for my outter beauty and apparance,
neglecting whats inside; what truly matters.
when i try to think back to us, all i get is a blurr
memories lost in what never should have been.
you told me you loved me,
but what you really should have said is that you love
my body, my things, and how i made YOU feel.
it never really was about us, just YOU.
you invaded my sapce, my things, my life,
trying to erase all past memories
so the future could focus solely on you.
you ruined my past, but i wont let you ruin my future.
a year of my life was wasted, but instead of dwelling on it,
i will grow from this.
and learn to never let someone try to control me like you did.
and while YOU never let me be who I was truly meant to be,
I will never let someone like you try to inhabit my life again.
you broke me.
messed up my mind, thoughts and abilities.
i cant do the things i used to do before,
or feel the feelings i felt before.
you’ve made me numb to them.
with your hollow truths and shallow lies.
it’s like i’m back at square one.
trying to learn how to love all over again.
you made me so skiddish, scared to be with anyone
for the fear of being used and neglected lingers.
you treated me like property, a rag doll,
a status symbol to show off to all your friends
and use or toss whenever you please.
but you never thought I would stand my ground.
yet here i am, where i was spossed to be all along.
living for myself, not for a selfish feind
who tries to suck the happiness and life out of me.
you’re jealous because unlike you,
i’m going places with my life.
that was just too much for you to handle
so you tried to break me down,
make me nothing more than a subordinate to you.
i will never let you take advantage of me again.
your lies, tricks, fake promises and threats no longer have any weight.
i’m free.
free from your suffocating grasp,
free from your insecurity
free from your pathetic attempts at trying to control my life.
i’m finally free to be the person you’ve tried so hard to keep me from being.
my heart is torn, abused and damaged
but it’ll heal.
and i’ll grow stronger than you ever thought i could be.

Just Ramble...

I was given this assignment to just ramble
for five minutes about anything
to clear my mind.... here it goes

So last Friday
or maybe it was Saturday
I started yet another diet
but this one is different
no matter how many times i say that line
it is never true
it is never different
i dont want to be fat
but its hard
and my motivation went out the window
a ling time ago
but i think
honestly and completely
that this time
its different
i am eating healthier
i could drink more water
and i could exercise more
but you know what?
its enough...
i love myself and im doing it
im really trying
i hope it works
i need it to work
this week has been long
and comlicating
i need someone to talk to
but i dont know who
it is hard, you know
who can i trust?
who wont judge me...
life is hard
and complicating...
i know
i love
i hate
i steal
i cry
i try to help others
i need to find out what i want to do with my life.
i dont know
i do know
but i wont face it
because i cant do it
life. its what we do.

Stained Glass Windows

sooner or later, the truth always comes out. 

it doesn't even matter what that truth is 

anything

everything

friends, family, boys, girls

lies 

truth

it is all so obvious

why don't we see it

i hate lies

i hate the truth

life is complicated

i like to cry

but not when its not on my terms

this makes me complicated

today i met a boy

not a boy boy

but a boy

i already knew him 

but today i met him

the real him

the one that scares me

the one that makes me angry

the one that makes me feel unworthy

yet the one who has meant the most to me in a while

the one who actually inspired me to do something different

today i ran

down a parking structure 

in pajamas

yes pajamas

i need help

i have a problem

the problem is i don't love myself

i don't love what i have become

i try so hard to love

to love everyone else

and i love them so much

that they always have to let me down 

because i'm looking

looking for someone to be perfect

to make up for what i can't have

no, what i just don't have

i want it, and you know what?

i'm going to get it.

right now

sooner or later, the truth always comes out. 

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

"The sun will come out tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow
There will be sun!
Just thinking about tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow
Until there is none!"

Why do we, as human beings, 

allow ourselves to be so optimistic?

The glass is half full.

'Tis better to have loved and lost 

than never to have loved at all.

Anything is possible.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

Seriously guys? 

I mean I know it is one thing to 

try and be happy sometimes, 

but why do so many people 

have to be happy all the time? 

It is unrealistic, 

and it makes happiness a less meaningful experience. 

If you never face feelings of regret, sadness or sorrow,

then when good things happen, 

your feelings stay the same as they were.

Happiness should be a feeling that flows 

in an out of your veins like a drug. 

It should have the power to cause irrational behavior 

and cause humans to act differently towards 

not only other people, but

towards themselves as well.

On the other hand, 

if you absolutely adore the feelings of disappointment and sadness, 

then by all means... Try to be happy all the time. 

Eventually it will sneak up behind you. 

These feelings will creep in your window, 

and find their way into your head.

Remember when you were focusing on something 

so intently that everything around you just disappeared? 

That is how these horrible feelings will somehow 

manage to locate themselves inside you.

I, I am one of THOSE people. 

I try to be happy all the time. 

I try to please others because I have convinced myself 

that this is what I want.

I need people to like me. 

I need people to love me. 

By attempting to have everyone have these 

oh so passionate feelings towards me, I have

lost the feeling to accept love at all. 

I pretend that people care, when the truth is, 

they don't. 

I form relationships inside my brain and even

convince myself that there is hope.

This blog is going to be the change of me, 

the birth of a new me, and the death of the old me. 

This blog is going to be my escape from myself

and my own lies. This blog is going to be... me.