The only difference between life and death...

Pain hurts. I suppose that lies within the definition itself, but who knew that it could bring me into a downward spiral going into a black hole of emptiness? Once again, my heart is slowly losing its petals. I imagine it in my youth as vibrant as a red rose, and as I go throughout life, the petals wither away, like in Beauty and the Beast. Each time another person comes into my life and leaves me crying on the floor in the end (I should have known, right?) yet one more petal falls as well. This year has been so rough for me already. I'm going through so many changes in my life and all I want is someone to share it with. Apparently, no one wants to be in my life. They use me, for one thing or another and leave me out to dry like an old dish towel. It is taking every ounce of will power in my being right now not to grab a safety pin and be the one to cause myself pain. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I've worked so hard to be above the influence, above my depression, above everything that has hurt me in the past. It is not working as well as I had hoped, but I'm still going strong. Next year this time I will be a completely different person. After my surgery in August, I will be able to be the person I feel like on the inside most of the time. I'm so sick and tired of hiding behind my weight. I am so scared of rejection, of hate, of dying alone. Part of me feels like I will never find someone to love me, no matter how many times people tell me otherwise. Sure, it helps for the meantime, but I still cry myself to sleep at night knowing I'm alone, knowing no one is there to hold me or kiss me goodnight, and knowing that there is not someone out there thinking of me. The only difference between life and death is that death is less painful... but much more of a cop out than life. I will push forward and try to fight my emotions. I will fight the urges for my mania and my depression and hopefully, someday, maybe, be a normal person.

Hiding Behind The Mask

So here I sit, once again; Pondering about life and what it means. I do not know why I was put here on this earth. I think I want to help people, but in reality, I am a horrible person. I am selfish and a hypocrite and all around bad. I steal. I cheat. I lie. But the worst part is, people think I am good. Going into nonprofit work or even taking the rabbinical field is supposed to make me a good person, someone holy and righteous. I am not even close to being there. I honestly do no think I will get into Hebrew Union College for graduate school. I do not know what I want to do after college. No grad school is going to want me at 21 and a fresh undergrad graduate.

I am really scared. I do not talk about it a lot, but I am deathly afraid. What happens if I do not find a job? Where will I live? What will I do? I might have to move back to the Antelope Valley. I hate it there. There are no Jews. I want to marry a Jew and start a family. I want a Jewish life. I currently am madly in like with MBG but he only sees me as a friend. We have talked about it and he says I might push him away if I continue to keep pushing it. I am so confused because when I just try to be friends with him, he will buy me lunch and flirt and tell me secrets and want to spend time with me.

I have to hide behind the mask of pretending to care, but not in the way I really do. He can never know how much I care because not only will it push him away, but it will make me more vulnerable than I already am. I am so vulnerable. I have sexual relations with many people hoping that I will find that attention and need I need from someone, but I can never find it. I am just confused about what I am doing. Am I doing it for the pleasure? If so, I am failing because I am not getting ANYTHING out of it. If I am doing it for a relationship, I am crazy because all of the ones I mess around with want nothing more than sex.

I give up on relationships. I am just going to make the wall bigger. I am going to add more bricks to the wall that holds me away from my true feelings. I can never show anyone how I really feel. If they truly knew, I would be alone. I am worthless. I know it, but I hope they can't see it. Or do they? End.

Life

So I am going to start writing every day. It might help calm my feelings and suppress my urge to cut or commit suicide. I am worthless. I know people will tell me that I am not, but I do not believe them. I do not think that I will accomplish anything in life. I am a pathetic human who is greedy and overweight and a hypocrite. I wish I was anything else but me. I wish i was anywhere else but here. If all else fails, there is always school, right? But where will that take me? I do not know what I want to do with my life. I want a husband. I want kids. I want to be happy. I want a lot of things that are never going to happen. I want to die. That will happen eventually I suppose.

Yonah is a douche. I just wish I was more than a piece of ass. I cannot get him out of my life. There is always that glimmer of hope that he'll one day realize that he likes me. I need to stop being so vulnerable to him. Michael too. He makes me upset. He deserves the best, but why can't it be me? I'm just not good enough for anyone. I need to be alone for a while. I am afraid that will make it worse though. I need people to care. Who am I kidding? No one cares now. David is a pathetic excuse for a boyfriend. I never see him. He is not what I want. We have great sex, but I am just not happy. I wish I knew if he was.

For a while, I was starting to think I loved him. I think I was just in love with the idea of someone actually loving me, someone actually caring. No one cares about me. No one. If I left the earth right now, there would be a few people who would notice. They would feel guilty because I told them about my suicidal tendencies. They would not care though. Only about themselves. I am not worthy enough of their sadness. I am not worthy enough for anything....

Water Running Down My Face

I am miserable. I do not know what I am doing anymore. I am lying to myself that I am happy because I am too afraid to be alone. I am too afraid to admit that no one will ever love me. I am to afraid to admit I am sick, that I have a disease that will eventually kill me. I am too afraid to admit that i have manic depression. I am afraid to admit that I am fat. No matter how real the problem is, I joke about it like it means nothing. Truth is, it does. Fuck! I hate crying about everything. I hate crying about just being a sex object. I hate that I am not good enough for anyone. They tell you to love yourself so others will... Well no one cares unless I am bleeding on the wrists. I give up on caring. I just want to love and be loved in return. That will never happen. My boyfriend is a joke. The two men I would be happiest with either see me as a sex object or a tool to get someone other than me. I never could truly be with the women I like either. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate this. I say I just want to make a difference but it would mean nothing to me without someone to share it with. I will never be happy. I am going to die alone. I need attention yet it is the thing that I dispise the most because it is never sincere. I wish someone would be sincere. I wish I could be happy. I wish I could be beautiful. I wish I could love my self....

How I feel... about you.

So this is going to be a somewhat organized ramble, and I know you'll never see it... so here comes the truth. I am not sure what love is. I'm not sure if I love you. I don't even know if I am supposed to or even allowed to love you.

If love is getting butterflies in my stomach every time I receive a cute text from you... then I guess I love you. If love is having my heart beat faster when you like my status that has something to do with my feelings... then I guess I love you. If love is crying myself to sleep because I feel like I will never be good enough for your parents, ultimately never being good enough for you because I am Jewish... then I guess I love you. If love is wanting you to be happy no matter what... then I guess I love you. If love is buying you an iPod because I know how much music means to you, even though it probably was too much money and my close friends advised me against it... then I suppose I love you.

I'm not sure what love is, but I know that it feels right when you hold me in your arms. It feels right thinking about you in the morning and when I go to sleep. It feels right listening to love songs and only imagining being with you. It STILL feels right listening to Christmas music, even though I'm Jewish, and imagining what Christmas would be like with you. It feels right missing you every second, every minute, every hour, every day. It feels right with you, just you.

So the other night, you said you loved me. You were drunk. I knew you wouldn't remember it, but I said it back anyways. It flew off my tongue like a dove. They were words I had wanted to say for a while. I know I am not in love with you. I know I have doubts about spending the rest of my life with you... Still though, I want you here with me, and I want to be with you now. I want my entire life to revolve around you. I want to have my Facebook covered in statuses and pictures and notes... all about you. I want all my friends and family to know how utterly in like I am with you. I want to scream it from the top of the hills and the bottom of the valleys. I LOVE SPENDING ALL MY TIME WITH DAVID BRUCE CARLEY!

I know I am just rambling, but all of these feelings needed to be said to someone. I am really afraid of falling for you and you leaving me. In the past, my only other semi-serious relationship was just a physical relationship. We never had vaginal intercourse, but it was all he ever wanted from me. Because it was something I was not willing to give to him, he gave up on me. Maybe that was the reason we got physically intimate so quickly. I suppose I feel like it is the only way to keep someone interested. My mind is all sorts of screwed up.

Sometimes, in the beginning of our relationship, I feel that our relationship was just about sex. We would send sexual texts and have sexual intercourse when we visited, but we had only gone on one real date. We were boyfriend and girlfriend, but we never left the house. We still do not go out, but I don't feel like it is about sex anymore. My birthday weekend, I was menstruating and I told you not to get your hopes up. You were fine with just cuddling all night. You made me dinner and cupcakes, and other than getting completely wasted, it was one of the most romantic nights of my life.

I really hope you get me a necklace for Christmas/Chanukah. It does not even have to be like super expensive. It can be a 15 dollar Walmart brand. I just want it to be the size of the necklace you wear around your neck, and have like a heart or something. I just want to be able to feel close to you, and have something you gave to me with me at all times. I want to be that girl who twiddles with her necklace throughout class because she misses her man. I want to be able to get a compliment on it and say, "Oh, thanks! My boyfriend gave it to me for the holidays" with a grin on my face stretched from ear to ear. I guess I just want something to feel validation in our relationship. My friends and family know about you, but only a few of your friends know about me.

Yesterday, you told me about why your parents don't know about me yet, and I instantly started crying. We were not fighting. You were not upset with me. I could just feel the hurt in your voice when you said your parents would not approve. They are your world. They mean the world to you. You love them. Why would you ever choose me over them? Why would I even try and make you? I would surely lose. So I am letting the parents issue go for now. Although it kills me that the people closest to you do not know about our relationship, I would rather have you in my life than have everyone know.

I know it has not been a long time, but in about a month, I will be your second longest relationship. You already are my number one. I know it has not been that long, but we have already gone through so much. I mean I thought I was actually pregnant with your child. We had to go through the ideas of abortion and adoption together. That brought us so much closer I believe. I was so afraid that you were going to leave me because of the situation. I was so scared and hopeless. I did not know what to do. I know that you are adopted and all, and I know your religion is highly against abortion, but I am just not ready for a child... And I would never be able to give my child away. I know it would be best for the child, but I wouldn't want that. I was honestly thinking about abortion. It seemed like the best option. As much as you said you would be there for me, part of me doubted you. It was such a big deal, and you had already gone through a miscarriage once, I didn't know if I could have done that to you. I still don't.

Here I sit, at around 5:00AM on an idle Tuesday morning pathetically crying my eyes out as I try to express all of my feelings towards you in this single excerpt. Maybe if I set them free then they will not haunt me anymore. The feelings of falling for you and being abandoned, the feelings of it just being about sex, the feelings of rejection from your parents, and every other thing that girls ponder about. Overall, I feel a little better, but I do think I love you. The sad part is, that I am afraid to tell you. I am going to wait until you officially say it first, because I do not want to be the only one. I do not want to put you in the position to say it without meaning it. I do not want to be put into the position to have to question your intentions. I guess we'll just have to wait to discover how you feel... about me.

Always On My Mind

Why do girls think so much?
They take something so unimportant and turn it into some major event?
I was talking to the boy I like earlier
and out of nowhere, our conversation just stopped.
I was the last one to text him so I decided not to text him again to seem clingy
I really am a clingy person
I need attention
and I get really depressed when I dont have it
So the conversation was over
and I went on with my day
Feeling horrible because I am sick and just got my wisdom teeth pulled,
I tried to watch TV and listen to music
Anything I could do to keep my mind of him
But it did not work
Why isn't he texting me back
Maybe he doesn't like me
Maybe I'm being too clingy
Maybe I'm boring
My thoughts keep racing
And I get depressed
Five hours passed
I cant take it anymore
I send him a message: Hi
Oh no. I shouldn't have done that
Ughh you are stupid
My phone rings
It is a text message, from him.
Boy: I missed you almost all day :]

Damnit.. I over thought things again
Stupid girl.

Perfection does not have to be lonesome

Today I tried to disappear
tried to sink into the covers and not exist
The sounds of rain crashing against the concrete
and my head sunk into the pillow
The blinds open, and the light shining through
I breathe in, and the air fills my chest
I stop. I hold that breath until it begins to hurt
Then I release slowly and repeat.
I try to focus on my breathing and the sounds around me
Meditate.
Breathe.
Be calm.
I am almost in that moment
Where everything is perfect
Eyes closed, body limp
Perfection
*Footsteps*
"OUCHHH"
I open my eyes to my sister on top of me
Laughing
She smiles
I smile
This... is perfect. <3