Always On My Mind

Why do girls think so much?
They take something so unimportant and turn it into some major event?
I was talking to the boy I like earlier
and out of nowhere, our conversation just stopped.
I was the last one to text him so I decided not to text him again to seem clingy
I really am a clingy person
I need attention
and I get really depressed when I dont have it
So the conversation was over
and I went on with my day
Feeling horrible because I am sick and just got my wisdom teeth pulled,
I tried to watch TV and listen to music
Anything I could do to keep my mind of him
But it did not work
Why isn't he texting me back
Maybe he doesn't like me
Maybe I'm being too clingy
Maybe I'm boring
My thoughts keep racing
And I get depressed
Five hours passed
I cant take it anymore
I send him a message: Hi
Oh no. I shouldn't have done that
Ughh you are stupid
My phone rings
It is a text message, from him.
Boy: I missed you almost all day :]

Damnit.. I over thought things again
Stupid girl.

Perfection does not have to be lonesome

Today I tried to disappear
tried to sink into the covers and not exist
The sounds of rain crashing against the concrete
and my head sunk into the pillow
The blinds open, and the light shining through
I breathe in, and the air fills my chest
I stop. I hold that breath until it begins to hurt
Then I release slowly and repeat.
I try to focus on my breathing and the sounds around me
Meditate.
Breathe.
Be calm.
I am almost in that moment
Where everything is perfect
Eyes closed, body limp
Perfection
*Footsteps*
"OUCHHH"
I open my eyes to my sister on top of me
Laughing
She smiles
I smile
This... is perfect. <3

In love with being in love

So love is a very complicated issue. I am one of those people that fall in and out of love daily. I mean, it's not that I mean to, it is just that it is so easy for me to find the good in people. My current love interest is a boy we will call FB, originally for Fraternity Boy, but more meanings have come to it since it started. So this boy helped me get over another boy from last year. He did not even know that he was doing it, but things just happened. And that boy, lets call him Israel, helped me get over a boy before him named First Love. Overall, every boy I like or love or date or anything is just to get over another boy. I move from boy to boy. My best friend does this too. I originally told her it was a bad idea, but now I realize what it feels like. I can't be alone. I refuse to. Even if I am giving all of my attention to a boy who will never love me back, I just cannot help it. I know I will not marry the boy I am pursuing now. He is an athiest. A hardcore athiest. He does not believe in religion at all, and I am okay that it is what he believes, but it scares me. You see, I am trying to be a Rabbi or something in the field of Judaism. My major is Judaic Studies and here is this boy, an athiest.. who every day, I am falling more and more in like with. Soon, it might be love. what will happen then? The poor, hispanic, athiest boy and the wealthy, white, jewish girl. This is a conflict. I know opposites attract and all, but I am scared. What if I fall too hard for him? What will happen? I am scared. I like him so much already. I was day dreaming today of us cuddling up near a fire and listening to the rain. It is bad. I dream about him and I am thinking of him almost everty secnd of every day... I wish I knew what to do. He hurt me once, and I don't think he'll do it again, but I am always wrong when it comes to my love life. Anyone elses wouldn't be that hard, but this is my life we're talking about.. Ughhhh help me? Well guess who just texted? Him... so ill post later <3

Cop Madness

So tonight I went to the movies with my sister
and we wanted to see the ugly truth
before i go into details on the movie,
lets discuss how it all got started
SCENE: Girl is sitting in bed talking to good friend
Sister: Let's go to the movies and get icecream
Girl: Sure!!!
Sounds innocent enough, right?
WRONG
Well, the movie was rated R
so my 13 year old sister could not get a ticket
cleverly, i bought a ticket for my movie,
and she bought one for Harry Potter,
which of course started at the same time
but no...
the movie ticket sellers decided that because she was soooo young
and they thought she was going to try to sneak into a rated R movie
they would escort her to her movie and leave a guard with her the whole time
wow, really?
and then, there were a few more in the hallway just in case
5 different attendants for one girl
what the hell?
did they have nothing better to do?
hahaha
anyways, after the movie, we are driving home
and a cop pulls into out neighborhood before us
and stops in the middle of the road
so i cant pass him
and they shine their lights on these guys trying to jack cars
and make them put there hands on the hood and everything
then decides to move so i can get through

oh man.
moral of the story,
cops suck.

Suicidal Dreams

Note: another from the diary of a young girl

crashing waves
flying birds
buzing bees
a silent street
the night is young
one girl alone
no one knows
the secret she keeps
her mind tosses
her mind turns
she cannot take it anymore
for death she yearns
the knife in hand
thrusts through her heart
as she awakes
in bed at home
pale face in sweat
she lies down again
and falls back asleep

Broken Wishes

note: this was written years ago; i found an old diary

the tears fall down
her light skinned face
her hands hold up her head
the thoughts of him
run through her mind
she wishes she were dead
the lights are dimmed
the night so young
and she is home alone
she sits and cries
the truths and lies
his heart was made of stone
she wants him now
she needs him more
her awful addiction
which makes her sore
no tears run down
her bloody face
her hands lay on the floor
no thoughts of him
run through her head
her wishes last no more

Sunflower in My Mind

So today I went for a drive
I drove up the hill and over the mountain
and I drove
and I drove
I drove right up to the lake
the lake where my brother's friend was killed
many years ago
you see,
he was supposed to be there
my brother that is...
to go camping with his friends
but my mother said no
he was angry,
but most children overreact sometimes
so there i was
at the lake
and it was peaceful
moss covering sections of the water
and big branches of trees inviting me to climb
so i did
i pulled myself on to that tree and sat
just for a minute
and i thought
how could a place so beautiful
so calm and peaceful
be a place of death
and then i thought of israel
israel is an amazing place
the most amazing place i have ever been
i cannot wait to go back
but i love it so
so dearly in fact
so there i was thinking
about israel indeed
and death and happiness
how could something so beautfiful
carry so much hatred and dispair
it is perplexing...
i jumped down off the tree
and i walked to my car
as i was driving back to the place i reside
i pulled over
and i grabbed my camera
i love taking pictures
i do so much
so i snapped a photo
of a sunflower
so beautiful and delicate
so wonderful and innocent
the only thing in this world
that couldn't possibly contain evil
a flower.

My Goal

to live, to inspire, to love, to care, to try, to see, to sing, to cry, to run, to run fast, to run very fast, to lose weight, to hug, to kiss, to spoon, to LOVE, to jump, to dance, to write, to watch, to push, to shove, to know, to like, to love, to live, to die, to swim, to play, to swing, to call, to text, to pray, to lie, to sit, to sleep, to study, to graduate, to have children, to get married, to love someone else more than i love myself, to be loved the way i love someone else, to be cared for, to go to the beach, to fly, to ride, to drive, to see all of the world, to live the life i want to live, to do.

The Truth Will Set You Free

you never loved me for my mind
you never let me venture out into a world bigger than your own
you held me so tight, you never gave me a chance to breathe
made my life a bubble; and made it were you were the only one allowed in.
you hindered my thinking, my feelings, my actions, my LIFE.
you never realized you were the one that made this fall apart.
you saw me for my outter beauty and apparance,
neglecting whats inside; what truly matters.
when i try to think back to us, all i get is a blurr
memories lost in what never should have been.
you told me you loved me,
but what you really should have said is that you love
my body, my things, and how i made YOU feel.
it never really was about us, just YOU.
you invaded my sapce, my things, my life,
trying to erase all past memories
so the future could focus solely on you.
you ruined my past, but i wont let you ruin my future.
a year of my life was wasted, but instead of dwelling on it,
i will grow from this.
and learn to never let someone try to control me like you did.
and while YOU never let me be who I was truly meant to be,
I will never let someone like you try to inhabit my life again.
you broke me.
messed up my mind, thoughts and abilities.
i cant do the things i used to do before,
or feel the feelings i felt before.
you’ve made me numb to them.
with your hollow truths and shallow lies.
it’s like i’m back at square one.
trying to learn how to love all over again.
you made me so skiddish, scared to be with anyone
for the fear of being used and neglected lingers.
you treated me like property, a rag doll,
a status symbol to show off to all your friends
and use or toss whenever you please.
but you never thought I would stand my ground.
yet here i am, where i was spossed to be all along.
living for myself, not for a selfish feind
who tries to suck the happiness and life out of me.
you’re jealous because unlike you,
i’m going places with my life.
that was just too much for you to handle
so you tried to break me down,
make me nothing more than a subordinate to you.
i will never let you take advantage of me again.
your lies, tricks, fake promises and threats no longer have any weight.
i’m free.
free from your suffocating grasp,
free from your insecurity
free from your pathetic attempts at trying to control my life.
i’m finally free to be the person you’ve tried so hard to keep me from being.
my heart is torn, abused and damaged
but it’ll heal.
and i’ll grow stronger than you ever thought i could be.

Just Ramble...

I was given this assignment to just ramble
for five minutes about anything
to clear my mind.... here it goes

So last Friday
or maybe it was Saturday
I started yet another diet
but this one is different
no matter how many times i say that line
it is never true
it is never different
i dont want to be fat
but its hard
and my motivation went out the window
a ling time ago
but i think
honestly and completely
that this time
its different
i am eating healthier
i could drink more water
and i could exercise more
but you know what?
its enough...
i love myself and im doing it
im really trying
i hope it works
i need it to work
this week has been long
and comlicating
i need someone to talk to
but i dont know who
it is hard, you know
who can i trust?
who wont judge me...
life is hard
and complicating...
i know
i love
i hate
i steal
i cry
i try to help others
i need to find out what i want to do with my life.
i dont know
i do know
but i wont face it
because i cant do it
life. its what we do.

Stained Glass Windows

sooner or later, the truth always comes out. 

it doesn't even matter what that truth is 

anything

everything

friends, family, boys, girls

lies 

truth

it is all so obvious

why don't we see it

i hate lies

i hate the truth

life is complicated

i like to cry

but not when its not on my terms

this makes me complicated

today i met a boy

not a boy boy

but a boy

i already knew him 

but today i met him

the real him

the one that scares me

the one that makes me angry

the one that makes me feel unworthy

yet the one who has meant the most to me in a while

the one who actually inspired me to do something different

today i ran

down a parking structure 

in pajamas

yes pajamas

i need help

i have a problem

the problem is i don't love myself

i don't love what i have become

i try so hard to love

to love everyone else

and i love them so much

that they always have to let me down 

because i'm looking

looking for someone to be perfect

to make up for what i can't have

no, what i just don't have

i want it, and you know what?

i'm going to get it.

right now

sooner or later, the truth always comes out. 

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

"The sun will come out tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow
There will be sun!
Just thinking about tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow
Until there is none!"

Why do we, as human beings, 

allow ourselves to be so optimistic?

The glass is half full.

'Tis better to have loved and lost 

than never to have loved at all.

Anything is possible.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

Seriously guys? 

I mean I know it is one thing to 

try and be happy sometimes, 

but why do so many people 

have to be happy all the time? 

It is unrealistic, 

and it makes happiness a less meaningful experience. 

If you never face feelings of regret, sadness or sorrow,

then when good things happen, 

your feelings stay the same as they were.

Happiness should be a feeling that flows 

in an out of your veins like a drug. 

It should have the power to cause irrational behavior 

and cause humans to act differently towards 

not only other people, but

towards themselves as well.

On the other hand, 

if you absolutely adore the feelings of disappointment and sadness, 

then by all means... Try to be happy all the time. 

Eventually it will sneak up behind you. 

These feelings will creep in your window, 

and find their way into your head.

Remember when you were focusing on something 

so intently that everything around you just disappeared? 

That is how these horrible feelings will somehow 

manage to locate themselves inside you.

I, I am one of THOSE people. 

I try to be happy all the time. 

I try to please others because I have convinced myself 

that this is what I want.

I need people to like me. 

I need people to love me. 

By attempting to have everyone have these 

oh so passionate feelings towards me, I have

lost the feeling to accept love at all. 

I pretend that people care, when the truth is, 

they don't. 

I form relationships inside my brain and even

convince myself that there is hope.

This blog is going to be the change of me, 

the birth of a new me, and the death of the old me. 

This blog is going to be my escape from myself

and my own lies. This blog is going to be... me.